you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
