i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
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Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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