I am in a vortex of obligation.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
