Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
