I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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