One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
