none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Your tits are I can't wait for
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
