walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
