I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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