Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
