Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
