I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
