I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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