This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
