so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
