SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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