i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
