Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
