Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
