Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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