I will die if light touches me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
dude. I can hear the air.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
