Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
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I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
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Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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