New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
