Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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