There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
