I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
