A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
