There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
