this beer tastes like vomit already
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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