Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
