the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
