I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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