Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
