her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Randomize
