So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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