And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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