woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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