my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
