I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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