if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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