I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
