you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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