I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
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