My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
