If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
