We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
