On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
whose parrot is this?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
