so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
