Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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