some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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