You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
