A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
