The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
