Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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