May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
