This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The air was thick with penises
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
