i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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