i permit you to call me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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