i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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