Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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