like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I am naked and annoyed.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
