Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he fucked my hip out of place.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
